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Part 1- Chapter 2 by ~Nrgetic:iconNrgetic:



Exhaling a sigh of relief the first man, Adam cleared his mind of all thoughts. They were all just a form of betrayal designed by the lord to test the faith and obedience of the universe that the divine master had created. A small wisp of breeze blew throughout the valleys of paradise cooling off Adam's naïveté.

'This isn't a paradise; it's just a false sense of existence, without having to work for anything, a buffet of lies and deceit.'

His earth brown eyes gazed into the heavens, a seemingly endless void of blue and white puffs of clouds that made the sky. Another of God's equally beautiful creations was water. But what most fascinated Adam about the water were its inhabitants. They were unlike any land creature...these were somehow magical.

'Is existence treating you well Adam?'

'Yes Lord thank you for the blessing'

'But?' reading the thought of Adam.

'But...I feel incomplete as if something is missing.

'Yes, I understand'

'Of course you do' mumbled Adam who was starting to tire from the presence of an "all knowing" being.

The moon rose and fell as Adam dreamt of a creature that he had never seen before, it was beautiful yet somewhat strange... it was just like him. Trailing after the moon was the sun. The warmth of the energy from the sun awoke the brunette from his dormant state, along with it a new hope. Rising from the soft green he adjusted his eyes to the day. He noticed the imprint that he had left in the grass. It had taken his form quiet well, he must have slept for a long time. Glancing around paradise he saw many creatures each was special with their own shapes, scents and minds. He had seen mostly all of these creatures the previous day...except for one.

'L-Lord what is this?'

'That is Eve, the first woman.'

'Thankyou'
©2005-2009 ~Nrgetic
:iconnrgetic:

Author's Comments

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Comments


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:iconemilis:
Your original sin story is coming along well! You truly do have a fine way with words. Keep it up - you kick ass. You know what you can do with potential - so milk it for all it's worth.

--
Emily Jane
:iconbeautifull-freak:
It's nicely written again! Wordings are great, and the sence of humor is good too... *hopes it was meant to be a bit funny*

--
Curt: Excuse me fellows, may I raise a glass to the loveliest man in Europe.
Brian: And they tell you it's "not natural"!


Nothing makes one so vain as being told one is a sinner
:iconjgfeller:
I'm liking the way your story goes. The words used to describe things is great: "...from the sun awoke the brunette from his dormant state..." for example. However, it's missing something, it needs a thicker problem. Maybe if the character of Adam had a deeper spycological struggle, help the readers really get inside his head. Good job though.

--
JayBob Gfeller
`jgfeller

"Ars longa, vita brevis"
:iconasharksrevenge:
Very nice! I am looking forward to more installments!

Jenny
:iconevilneedscandy:
Again this is beautifully worded. I love the line 'This isn't a paradise; it's just a false sense of existence, without having to work for anything, a buffet of lies and deceit.', it’s amazing!! The only thing I would say is I think the ending needs something more, maybe Eve could say something? :heart:

--
[Earn With Photography|Prints|Make Money With Discussion]
:iconpoetofzwan:
Very nice also, very good continuation of the story

--
My Gallery :gallery: [link]

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:iconyaanon:
Wow, I liked this. It's interesting how you went to Biblical characters and gave them depth, though, emotion. I mean, originally you have Adam, and Eve, yadda yadda, apple, cain, abel, etc, but you don't really know how they feel or what they are thinking, how they respond to all these wonders. Great job, just for doing that, a wonderful idea.

I also liked your description. Adam looking around Eden, seeing the "seemingly endless void of blue and white puffs of clouds" but yet still not satisfied. Again, great job, keep it up or I'll have your head!

--
"It's a beautiful feeling, Doctor, a beautiful feeling."
:iconkrawts:
nicely written, good job :salute:

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June 14, 2005
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